The Bachelorette Premier and the Return of Bachelor Thoughtz

So what if I bailed out on writing my last two columns last season? It’s a new season now, and with a new season comes all the excitement and expectation of a new beginning; a fresh start not just for our bachelors and bachelorettes, but for Bachelor Thoughtz itself.

Okay, I should probably stop pretending anyone actually cares about a half-assed Bachelor recap, especially since I’m already three days late getting this out. Nothing ever changes. Remember that. Nothing changes.

Let’s get to the show.

On Emily Maynard

Like many of our Bachelorettes, this is Emily’s second go-around on the show. But unlike most of the women, who come on the Bachelorette off a heartbreaking Bachelor loss, Emily is coming off a heartbreaking Bachelor win. Most of us already know that Brad had proposed to Emily on his season of the Bachelor. It was a fairy tale, but as Emily described, “The fairy tale wasn’t real” (It turns out, she also thought Hansel and Gretel we’re in serious danger of being by eaten a witch in the old forest. Don’t worry, I think Chris Harrison explained it to her).

Now there’s two important facts we need to know about Emily:

1. She has a daughter, Ricki.
2. Her first fiancé, Ricky, the father of her daughter, died in a plane crash (also, he was a race car driver)

I’d normally make a joke here, but seriously, these are important facts, for these reasons:

1. Emily’s going to be a looking for a father for Little Ricki. We’re going to see Emily question whether or not these guys can handle it, probably on every date (I see MAJOR drinking game potential here).
2. No guy will ever live up to Ricky Bobby. This was the biggest reason everyone knew it would never work out with Brad. She may say she’s not, but she’s still in love with a dead guy.

But hey, Emily thinks this might be her shot. And who know’s, she may find love yet. So let’s put on our big girl panties and start this thing.

First Impressions

The Bachelorette is clearly the second banana in the Bachelor franchise, and for good reason: The spectacle of competing woman is far more entertaining than that of competing men. Catty bitches are funny. Bull-headed douche bags are annoying.

But still, as my friend Richard (@gunsnraisins) has pointed out, the Bachelorette is a much more natural process than the Bachelor. It makes a lot more sense that 25 men would compete for the same woman rather than 25 women for one guy. It hearkens back to simpler times, when suitors would make their claim for a woman’s hand and the one who would make the most advantageous match would win out: the man with the most gold, the man with the best title, the man who had killed the most other men.

Of course, now it’s the man with the best “connection,” which is totally lame I know. I’d much rather watch a show about 25 five guys trying to sever each other’s limbs to win a woman than to watch 25 guys go on group dates to win a rose. But that’s just me.

The Guys

There may not be any violence (yet) but one thing that never gets old is people being idiots on TV. Here are some of the highlights:

David the Singer/Songwriter: This happened during the bio clips section before they started the cocktail party. Dave got to show off some of his singing/songwriting skills by singing a song that featured the words “ohohhoh” and “Emily” repeated in some order. Did I mention those were the only two words. I assume the song had to have been called Emily. I’m starting to think that when a man identifies himself as a singer/songwriter, it’s probably because he does neither of those things well.

Stevie the Party MC: Did you see the dance he did walking up to Emily? Half awesome, all awkward. That’s all I have to say.

Arie the Race Car Driver: Arie was worried that his being a race car driver might bring up painful memories of Emily’s dead fiance. I’m pretty sure the producers are counting on that. They chose him for that very reason. You might say that makes Chris Harrison a bastard, but I say it just makes for good TV…I hope.

And he also happens to be really attractive (I think, but what do I know. I polled one girl on this and she didn’t list him as one of the three best looking, but still). The way Emily looked at him as he walked up, if he hasn’t already locked this up I’d be surprised.

Alessandro, Alejandro, and Lerone “The Token Non-Whites”: I get having a token latin guy that has no shot at winning, but two token latin guys that have no shot at winning?! Add in Lerone and the producers might think they actually have their bases covered. Nice try Bachelorette, we know you’re still racist.

Chris The BobbleHead Guy: I’ll be the first to admit that I know very little about how to attract a woman, but I think I know enough to know that it’s probably a bad idea to bring out a likeness of myself and the woman I’m trying to get with and say, “They’ve been through a lot together.” Wouldn’t the woman think you’ve probably been doing something like this?

Jef with one F: Jef with one F is the epitome of cool. He doesn’t need that second f to be confident, he’s Jef! He may be from Utah, he may look like he belongs on Leave it to Beaver, but Jef rides a skateboard and sells water for a nonprofit (like Tom’s, but for water). And Emily bought into it! Junior High Steve would have thought the skateboard was awesome. But a 26-year-old woman with a kid. I don’t get it.

Kalon: Kalon arrived for the cocktail party in a helicopter, which has got to be a one-up move for Lindzi coming in on a horse last season. I seriously have no idea what the women will do next season? Arrive in a private jet (awesome)? Arrive in a spaceship (awesomer)? Arrive naked (awesomest)? I don’t know, but I’m really looking forward to it.

Another note on the helicopter: Did Kalon spend his own money on it? If he did he’s definitely a sucker. As we learned from last season, ABC has an enormous helicopter budget.

Other Thoughtz:

With a slew of awkward (did I mention the ostrich egg: IT’S A METAPHOR!!!) and interesting (Joe, who was way too excited to be there) guys, Emily chose boring old Doug the single dad to get the first impression rose. I’m not saying I don’t like Doug, but it’s a likely indicator that Emily will be making “the safe choice” at the end of this.

Which means the days of Courtney and the “person America loves to hate” may have just been replaced with Emily and the “America’s sweetheart” narrative. The only we’ve ever asked from TV is that it doesn’t leave us bored.

I have hope, but I’m very nervous.